PHILADELPHIA, PA - Riding high on a scorching two-game winning streak, the Phillies today signed Kristopher Kringle to a one-year, $6 million contract.
“We feel that Kringle gives us a big bat off the bench,” said general manager Ed Wade. “He will also help us as we go from town to town, spreading joy and laughter.”
Although he dominated in the North Pole League, critics argue that Kringle may have difficulty with major league pitching. “He’s been playing for decades against teams made up of elves who can barely throw the ball 15-20 mph,” said one scout. "I don't care if he can deliver presents to the entire world in one night - he's not going to catch up to somebody firing 95."
Another scout hinted that Kringle may not be in top physical condition when he reports to the team. “I watched him running from home to first - his belly shook like a freakin’ bowl full of jelly,” he said.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Second-Half Preview
Why speculate about second-half happenings when we can get an actual, factual account from the queen of future happenings herself ... Miss Cleo!
Phreakin' Phils: Miss Cleo, thanks for taking my call. How much will this cost me?
Miss Cleo: Oh, don't worry about it, dear. Every little thing's gonna be alright now, ya hear?
PP: Even with the Phillies? That seems unlikely, at best.
MC: Oh, them. I see a woman in their future.
PP: A woman?
MC: And a baby!
PP: The Phillies are having a baby?!
MC: Yes, dear. Twins! Can I have your first name and birthday?
PP: Are you even listening? I'm asking you about the Phillies!
MC: Oh, ya, ha ha. Goodness, me. What city are you callin' from, dear?
PP: (click).
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Exclusive Interview: Dr. Seuss
Phreakin' Phils: Would they lose in a house? Would they lose to a mouse? Would they lose in a box? Would they lose to a fox?
Dr. Seuss: Yes, in a box. Yes, to a fox. Yes, in a house. Yes, to a mouse. They would lose, here or there. They would lose, anywhere.
PP: A train! A train! A train! A train! Could they, would they, lose on a train?
DS: Yes, on a train! Yes, in a tree! Yes, in a car! Ed, set them free!
PP: Would they, could they, lose in the rain?
DS: They would, they could, lose in the rain.
PP: Could they, would they, lose to a goat?
DS: They could, they would, lose to a goat!
PP: Would they, could they, lose on a boat?
DS: They could lose on a boat. They could lose to a goat. They could lose in the rain. They could lose on a train.
PP: You're cruel, Dr. Seuss, why can't you just let them be?
DS: I do not like Ed Wade, you see.
PP: Thanks for your time.
DS: Obligatory rhyme.
Dr. Seuss: Yes, in a box. Yes, to a fox. Yes, in a house. Yes, to a mouse. They would lose, here or there. They would lose, anywhere.
PP: A train! A train! A train! A train! Could they, would they, lose on a train?
DS: Yes, on a train! Yes, in a tree! Yes, in a car! Ed, set them free!
PP: Would they, could they, lose in the rain?
DS: They would, they could, lose in the rain.
PP: Could they, would they, lose to a goat?
DS: They could, they would, lose to a goat!
PP: Would they, could they, lose on a boat?
DS: They could lose on a boat. They could lose to a goat. They could lose in the rain. They could lose on a train.
PP: You're cruel, Dr. Seuss, why can't you just let them be?
DS: I do not like Ed Wade, you see.
PP: Thanks for your time.
DS: Obligatory rhyme.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Phreakin' Phutes?
Every 60 years or so, the Phillies try on a new name in an attempt to shed their loser image. From 1883-89 they were known as the Philadelphia Quakers, a team that won nothing. The 1890-1942 Phillies made it to the series in 1915, but lost to the Red Sox. From 1943-44, they tried to fly high as the Philadelphia Blue Jays, a team that went 64-90 and 61-92 in its two years of existence. From 1945-2005, the Phillies made a few decent runs at a championship and even won one, but for the most part have been an enormous embarrassment to the city (especially this past weekend).
61 years after we killed the Blue Jays, our name change experiment is overdue. What should the Phillies call themselves next? What name best describes our longstanding tradition of mediocrity and defeat?
My suggestion:
Philadelphia Phutiles
61 years after we killed the Blue Jays, our name change experiment is overdue. What should the Phillies call themselves next? What name best describes our longstanding tradition of mediocrity and defeat?
My suggestion:
Philadelphia Phutiles
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Sox Nation Invades Philly
The Phils and Sox match up on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the city is on high alert. If you thought Live 8 was going to be a pain in the ass, it’s nothing compared to what’s coming when Sox fans arrive this weekend.
The city issued a partial list of precautions and warnings for the series:
• Interstate 95 will be closed to ensure the smooth transport of chowdah and Sam Adams lager to the region.
• The Phanatic will temporarily be renamed “that othah green monstah.”
• All schools, government buildings, and available office space will be converted into Irish Pubs.
• A team of highly-trained animal handlers will be on call for late-night David Wells sightings.
• Persons not wearing an appropriate amount of Sox gear are encouraged to stay indoors for the weekend. Appropriate garb includes, at minimum, a Bosox visor, blue training pants with a red stripe, and a bright red shirt that reads "Yankees suck."
• Pedestrians who spot Manny Ramirez wandering the city are encouraged to point him in the direction of the stadium.
• Any reference to the 86 years preceding 2004 is strictly forbidden.
The city issued a partial list of precautions and warnings for the series:
• Interstate 95 will be closed to ensure the smooth transport of chowdah and Sam Adams lager to the region.
• The Phanatic will temporarily be renamed “that othah green monstah.”
• All schools, government buildings, and available office space will be converted into Irish Pubs.
• A team of highly-trained animal handlers will be on call for late-night David Wells sightings.
• Persons not wearing an appropriate amount of Sox gear are encouraged to stay indoors for the weekend. Appropriate garb includes, at minimum, a Bosox visor, blue training pants with a red stripe, and a bright red shirt that reads "Yankees suck."
• Pedestrians who spot Manny Ramirez wandering the city are encouraged to point him in the direction of the stadium.
• Any reference to the 86 years preceding 2004 is strictly forbidden.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Phillies Release Thome
The Philadelphia Phillies released slumping, elderly first baseman Jim Thome on Monday and replaced him with a cow from down on the farm.
“This gives us some room to maneuver financially,” said Ed Wade. “The cow and Thome are both fat, dim-witted, slow creatures, but the cow will help reduce our milk costs.”
The Phillies milk budget skyrocketed when baseball began investigating more controversial muscle growth substances such as androstendione and creatine. “If they ever tell us we can’t use milk anymore, at least we’ll know who’s doing it. We just have to check for the white mustache,” said assistant GM Ruben Amaro, Jr.
Thome’s teammates were surprised to hear the news. “I liked Jim. I’m afraid the cow will make a mess of the clubhouse,” said third baseman David Bell.
“It’s a shame Jim had to go, but I think the Cow will help mooove runners along, and even though she’s hooved, she’ll be better defensively," said catcher Mike Lieberthal. "Besides, the cow smells better."
The cow was unavailable for comment.
“This gives us some room to maneuver financially,” said Ed Wade. “The cow and Thome are both fat, dim-witted, slow creatures, but the cow will help reduce our milk costs.”
The Phillies milk budget skyrocketed when baseball began investigating more controversial muscle growth substances such as androstendione and creatine. “If they ever tell us we can’t use milk anymore, at least we’ll know who’s doing it. We just have to check for the white mustache,” said assistant GM Ruben Amaro, Jr.
Thome’s teammates were surprised to hear the news. “I liked Jim. I’m afraid the cow will make a mess of the clubhouse,” said third baseman David Bell.
“It’s a shame Jim had to go, but I think the Cow will help mooove runners along, and even though she’s hooved, she’ll be better defensively," said catcher Mike Lieberthal. "Besides, the cow smells better."
The cow was unavailable for comment.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Exclusive Interview : The Streak
The win streak of the Phillies is the talk of Philadelphia these days. I caught up with it last night for a chat, just before the game.
Phreakin’ Phils: Hey, why do they call you The Streak?
The Streak: I am the fastest thing on two feet.
PP: Not Jimmy Rollins? I heard they signed him to a big $40 million deal.
TS: Nope. I’m a couple hundredths of a second faster. No wind resistance from clothing.
PP: Odd. It’s a little disconcerting, you being nude.
TS: The Streak will not exist with clothes on.
PP: It’s ok. You’re over anyway. Old news! The Phillies lost to Seattle last night.
TS: What? That’s it? I guess it’s time to move back down to Atlanta.
PP: Yeah. So before you go, lets talk about the glory days.
TS: Like, last week? What do you want to know?
PP: What brought you into town? This team is not good enough to go on the sort of run you provided.
TS: Multiple factors. Thome woke from his slumber for a bit. We also had lots of luck. Burrell’s hitting the ball well - he’s well rested. He briefly limited his sexual escapades to every other inning.
PP: And now?
TS: He’s back to running into the clubhouse between pitches.
PP: Not good!
TS: Nope.
PP: Well, it was good having you around for a bit. Will you be coming back this year?
TS: To Philly? Not a chance. You’ve had your fun. You should have really saved a few wins for September.
PP: There’s always next year.
TS: Nah.
Phreakin’ Phils: Hey, why do they call you The Streak?
The Streak: I am the fastest thing on two feet.
PP: Not Jimmy Rollins? I heard they signed him to a big $40 million deal.
TS: Nope. I’m a couple hundredths of a second faster. No wind resistance from clothing.
PP: Odd. It’s a little disconcerting, you being nude.
TS: The Streak will not exist with clothes on.
PP: It’s ok. You’re over anyway. Old news! The Phillies lost to Seattle last night.
TS: What? That’s it? I guess it’s time to move back down to Atlanta.
PP: Yeah. So before you go, lets talk about the glory days.
TS: Like, last week? What do you want to know?
PP: What brought you into town? This team is not good enough to go on the sort of run you provided.
TS: Multiple factors. Thome woke from his slumber for a bit. We also had lots of luck. Burrell’s hitting the ball well - he’s well rested. He briefly limited his sexual escapades to every other inning.
PP: And now?
TS: He’s back to running into the clubhouse between pitches.
PP: Not good!
TS: Nope.
PP: Well, it was good having you around for a bit. Will you be coming back this year?
TS: To Philly? Not a chance. You’ve had your fun. You should have really saved a few wins for September.
PP: There’s always next year.
TS: Nah.
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