Phuture Phils: 2030

PHILADELPHIA, PA (FEBRUARY 27, 2030): The Philadelphia Phillies have announced the trade of once upon a time superstar Bryce Harper. Harper was traded to the Bismark Bisons in exchange for cash and his twin grandsons, Bice and Bryan Harper. The deal marks the end of a saga that began during the 2019 season, when Harper managed to sign a 13 YEAR CONTRACT but was limited to 5 games before suffering a severe pinky toe contusion. He's been rehabbing ever since, and is hopeful that the change of scenery will make a difference. "I am thankful to the Phillies organization for the opportunity to be part of their dugout and clubhouse these past 11 years," said Harper. "I hope that Bice and Bryan will follow in my footsteps and demand a contract that will last until their grandkids are trade ready."

Phils Pitchers Concerned About Abdominal Irritation

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Although he was 1-0 with a 1.77 ERA in his first four starts this season, Eude Brito’s 2.1 inning, three earned-run outing last night was not one of a true major-league pitcher. He was, in fact, a belly-itcher. “I was unable to concentrate last night because of all the itching,” said Brito.

The Phillies pitching staff is concerned, because belly-itching is a contagious condition that often strikes this team as the stretch run approaches. “I am not going anywhere near that guy for the rest of the season,” said Jon Lieber, who recently notched his 15th win.

Other Phillies pitchers, including Rheal Cormier, Vicente Padilla and Gavin Floyd suffered from belly-itching early in the season. They were given a topical solution and were able to cleanse themselves before it spread.

Crowd Control

The Phillies are 17-3 when fewer than 30,000 people stumbled in to Citizen’s Bank Park this season, and 3-8 in games that sold out.

In the interest of making the Wild Card, the Phillies should find ways to keep attendance levels low as the season comes to a close. Some ideas:

- The Phillies are all about celebrating their heritage: How about a Vet Stadium rat giveaway night?

- For dollar dog night … you know where this is going.

- Instead of t-shirts and hot dogs, Phanatic shoots bags of garbage into the crowd.

- Between innings, Phanavision shows only a close-up of discarded grease and fat from Bull’s BBQ.

- Free tickets for bears.

Coping with Victory

Hold together, Phillies brethren! The Phillies are in first place in the wild card race, and they are hastily chasing down the Braves as well. Here are some tips for coping with this sudden and unexpected rush of semi-success:

• If booing is your favorite activity at Phillies games, try something new. Slap your hands together repeatedly to make a “clapping” sound, and exclaim something vocally such as “yay!”, “woo!” or “woo-hoo!” when the Phillies take the lead. For those unfamiliar, a Phillies lead is something that occurs when they are outscoring their opponent, as in "the Phillies are beating the Pirates 4-3."

• Instead of scowling, attempt to smile with someone mentions the Phillies.
If it helps, associate the word "Phillies" with something pleasurable.

• After years of dealing with loss, the possibility of a playoff berth may be a shock to your system. If you find yourself unable to handle this new sensation, consider moving to Tampa Bay.

• Here’s a word I came across when researching fans of other baseball franchises:

op•ti•mism (noun)

1. A tendency to expect the best possible outcome or dwell on the most hopeful aspects of a situation: “There is a touch of optimism in every worry about one's own moral cleanliness” (Victoria Ocampo).

2. Philosophy.

a. The doctrine, asserted by Leibnitz, that this world is the best of all possible worlds.

b. The belief that the universe is improving and that good will ultimately triumph over evil.

This concept could conceivably apply to the Phillies. Try using it in a sentence: "I am optimistic the Phillies will win today." If you can say it ten times without bursting into laughter or vomiting, you're on your way to becoming an optimistic Phillies fan.

• Lastly, do not fear that this trend will reverse Phillies fandom as we know it. This is a team with more franchise losses than any other team in the history of baseball, and we’re not about to give up our only claim to fame. Yes, we will suck again. Attempt to enjoy this break from failure.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Larry Bowa

Exclusive Interview : Larry Bowa

The Phillies fired fiery manager Larry Bowa after the 2004 season, simply because he couldn’t get the team to playoffs. They replaced him with bumpkin manager Charlie Manuel, who still seems confused by the concept of the double switch, much less the wild card. We sat down with Bowa to reflect on these, and other matters.

Phreakin’ Phils: Hey, Larry how are things with you these days?

Larry Bowa: (uncomfortable silence).

PP: Uh, I’ve seen you on baseball tonight. I admire your post game analysis.

LB: (frightening stare).

PP: So, what do you think of the job Charlie Manuel has done filling your shoes?

LB: The man is a twit. Any more questions? Huh? (eyes bulging, veins twitching).

PP: Nevermind.

Renewaboo Energy

Failed expectations and lackluster play have accounted for a higher boo-per-game (BPG) ratio this season. The Phillies, slacking sufferers of seven shutous so far this season, want to capitalize.

“When a Phillies fan boos, heat is emitted – if we capture this heat, we can potentially power the stadium,” said Steve Noworyta, director of Phillies operations.

If the team gets any worse, the Phillies plan on providing power for the entire city. ‘If we can’t generate electricity on the field, at least we can help light people’s homes,” said Noworyta.

When each fan enters Citizens Bank Park, they will be given a special mask designed to capture boos. The converted energy from an average boo is equal to 3.7 kilowatt hours.

When Mike Lieberthal pops out with runners in scoring position, enough boopower is generated to power Phanavision for two hours. When there is an Ed Wade sighting, most of the country’s power woes are alleviated.

“We are attempting to turn fan negativity into a positive," Noworyta explained. “The worse this team gets, the cleaner our city will be.”

Phreakin' Haiku

Five games out of first.
Will they thrive or will they choke?
They will need heimlich.