The Philadelphia Phillies released slumping, elderly first baseman Jim Thome on Monday and replaced him with a cow from down on the farm.
“This gives us some room to maneuver financially,” said Ed Wade. “The cow and Thome are both fat, dim-witted, slow creatures, but the cow will help reduce our milk costs.”
The Phillies milk budget skyrocketed when baseball began investigating more controversial muscle growth substances such as androstendione and creatine. “If they ever tell us we can’t use milk anymore, at least we’ll know who’s doing it. We just have to check for the white mustache,” said assistant GM Ruben Amaro, Jr.
Thome’s teammates were surprised to hear the news. “I liked Jim. I’m afraid the cow will make a mess of the clubhouse,” said third baseman David Bell.
“It’s a shame Jim had to go, but I think the Cow will help mooove runners along, and even though she’s hooved, she’ll be better defensively," said catcher Mike Lieberthal. "Besides, the cow smells better."
The cow was unavailable for comment.
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MOOOOOOOOVE over, Thome
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