Phillies Need Coffee!

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Forget steroids: After witnessing the Phillies sleepwalk through another April and early May, it's obvious that they need some coffee. A pre-game jolt, a refresher in the fifth and another in the ninth should do it.

They must replace the Gatorade keg with a tub of joe. The strong stuff, too - the kind that will temporarily knock the caps off the players.

Starbucks? No. We need the nuclear Old City Coffee roast, the one that can cause temporary superhuman abilities, or for the Phillies, just some vague hint of baseball ability. Running, pitching, hitting, fielding, that sort of thing. The Phillies need such abilities to combat the likes of the Nationals, apparently.

But it goes deeper than the players - the fans need coffee too. There are no late-inning comebacks, no particularly exciting players, not even the possibility of scoring a run most innings, so fans are usually snoozing by the third inning.

The ballpark obviously needs to begin selling good coffee. Great coffee, even. Frozen coffee on hot days. Instead of peanuts, chocolate-covered coffee beans. No Doz will become sponsors, and will be sprinkled pretzels and Peace-A-Pizzas. The stadium will be abuzz, for sure.

The additional revenue could be fed back into the energized team, who will be soaring off the energy of their fans. We will win the division, the playoffs and the series, and they will owe it all to the simple coffee bean. And to me, for suggesting the idea. They definitely owe me a hot dog or three (hold the ketchup, extra Vivarin).