Get Real, Phillies!

Worrell is worried

I’ll admit it – I’m a baseball fan who doesn’t understand anything about fantasy baseball. I love stats, but I don’t understand the “next generation” of stats, the ones that use mostly traditional categories (ERA, AVG, SLG) to create some freakish, four-lettered frankenstat (VORP, WHIP, VRAP) that can only be understood by the privileged staterati and some sports-minded nuclear physicists.

When pondering what to do about our beleaguered, barely beloved Philadelphia baseball franchise (the Phillies, for those not familiar), I realized it’s time to involve the fans in the decision making process. The problems of the Phillies are very real, not at all fantasy. Could we, the fans, do a better job shuffling players and personnel?

Instead of retreating into the world of fantasy baseball, I propose a reality-tv format for the Phillies. At the end of each month, there will be a televised recap of the month’s events, and each of the starting eight and the entire pitching staff will be assigned phone numbers for voting. The two players with the least votes will be given their outright release and shipped off to a remote island in the Pacific, where they will attempt to survive with nothing but their glove and some pine tar. Another shlum from the bench or AAA will then be given a chance on the team.

This will increase ratings, fan interest, and will give the players a reason to perform to their capability.

As we close out the month of April, I say we send Tim Worrell and David Bell packing for the Pacific. He who survives on the island the longest can come back to the team after the all-star break.