Believe This!

Remember 2000-2004? The Phillies marketing department worked overtime to produce a marketing slogan: "Believe!"

They weren't telling us what to believe in, or why, but just to do it and maybe buy a Tastykake to enjoy while believing.

Well, the slogan seems to have vanished, but the time has come to believe again. The Phillies have, since opening day, changed our perception of them from the high praise of mediocrity to a godawfullypathetic pile of lethargy. Yet still, we are not the most disappointing team in baseball. No, seriously! The Yankees, with 12 wins and $208 million in payroll, are currently the champs of calamity, the aces of awful. Not the Phillies, who so far have purchased 14 wins for just $95 mil.

Since we have probably already lost our chances at the wild card, we should strive to beat the Yankees and become the worst of the worst. After all, it's got to get worse before it can get better. But how can we pull this off? Sign Willie Mays Hayes and hope for the worst?

We need start by spending more and getting less. We started off in the right direction by resigning Polanco for $5 so he could shine Chase Utley's shoes. We can borrow a page from the pathetic signings of Phillies past, and bring back Danny Tartabull. His half an at bat in 1995 was well worth the $2 mil he pocketed before moving on to Japan.

The Phillies should also consider paying support staff salaries on par with the players - imagine the smiling service of a hot dog vendor earning $100,000 per game. You don't think we've got Steinbrenner-like deep pockets? The stadium is owned by a phreaking BANK. We could sign Alex Rodriguez, move the stadium onto a huge yacht in the Atlantic, declare war with England, and float our team/army over. Once we've established control over the Brits, our future looks bright. We can recruit its top cricket prospects, float the stadium back to Philadelphia, and compete once again to become Masters of Mediocrity. Because really, when you're a Phillies fan, the best you can hope for is to look back at the end of the season and say, "at least we own England."