Phanatic for GM!

Meet the new GM!

Negativity runs rampant in Philadelphia. Much of it is directed at Mayor John Street and Phillies General Manager Ed Wade, who both came to power around the same time. They have each taken old, marginally successful franchises and made them a laughing stock in other cities. John Street is in office partially because of a bug. Ed Wade came into power partially because of a big green beast.

It was the mid-seventies. Color television showed people what things looked like if they weren't in black and white. The Beatles were playing on rock stations instead of classic rock stations.

The Phillies, having recently celebrated the opening of their colossus empty nest, were searching for a way to fill the hideously-colored seats. Their mascots, Philadelphia Phil and Phillis, were notably active during the bicentennial year of '76, but lost popularity soon after (as did the Phillies).

Phillies public relations knew what had to be done. In 1977, they set out to generate a buzz in Philadelphia not centered around the team, but by a dynamic new mascot. They searched the PR department to find the man for the job - settling on two finalists: Dave Raymond and Ed Wade.

Raymond, the more outgoing and athletic of the two, got the job. For the next 16 years, he danced, pranced, tongued, and beer-showered across that great concrete empire, to every fan's delight.

Wade quietly climbed the ranks of the Phillies PR department, until the mostly-anonymous team owners decided he was enough of a puppet for the job. For the following decade, he signed aging middle-relievers and overpaid semi-superstars. In his spare time, he spewed cliches and read articles about how much people hate him.

Where would this Phillies be today if Dave Raymond, with all of his energy and ingenious belly bumping, was not given the job of creating the Phanatic?

Ed Wade would have taken his job and created a character about as exciting as himself, maybe a double-sized Dilbert. The fans would have noticed the team was finishing in last most of the time. Raymond, the obvious choice for GM somewhere around 1985, would have lead the Phils to decades of sellout crowds, championships, and superfluous champagne-spraying.

The lesson is clear: Ed Wade should step down and give full control of the team to the Phanatic. I hope somebody films the general manager's meeting in Florida next December...

Also, the Phillies have won every game since this blog appeared. They're giving Placido Polanco $5 million+ to be a backup. They definitely owe me a hot dog or two.