The Dangerous De-Phillyfication of the Phillies

Philly... Sort of

A win on opening day! Not just a win, but a biggish win.

Who are we, the freakin' Yankees? Whatever happened to our hallowed Philly tradition of trotting out expensive, ill-advised free agent hurlers (Joe Cowley, Floyd Youmans) on opening day and having our asses handed to us by the likes of the Expos, or in this case, the team formerly known as the Expos?

This, Philly people, is just another step in the conspiracy to de-Philly the Phillies. It started with the implosion of the Vet, when cats and rats ran for their lives, dynamite shook off 30 years worth of grime and Philadelphia lost a substantial slice of its soul.

I will admit that Citizens Bank Park is a nice facility. It's colorful, fan-friendly, smells decent, and it survived its first year without any concrete crumbling on people's heads. However, it's not very Philly. We weren't meant to have such nice things.

Veggie burgers are now served at many food stands throughout the park. Veggie burgers are great - but they are definitely not Philly. How far will this madness go? Will the Phanatic start shooting Not Dogs from his gun? Will The Bull go on a diet and renounce pulled pork in favor of vegemite? Will O'Douls replace Budweiser's sponsorship?

Just take a look at this team. The 2005 Phillies are a svelte, fit crew of, dare I say it, athletes. Where are the beloved landmass-like pudgies of years past? The Krukker, Inky, Luzinski, Carmello Martinez, Millwood? We used to have an outfield full of designated hitters. Hell, Kirby Puckett's still got one good eye, let's send down Michaels and park Kirby in right-center field in a wheelbarrow to catch whatever falls between Lofton and Abreu. I'm serious. Think about it: No Phillies team has ever reached the World Series without at least one significant lardass in the starting lineup. We are a city famous for its fat, and our team should represent us.

Another obvious sign of de-Phillyfication: Flower beds behind the outfield wall. WTF? Any sort plant life died within 500 feet of the Vet, and now we've got lillies blooming inches from the playing field?! Are we trying to charm the opposition into submission? We should have broken glass and barbed wire between the field and the fans, maybe even on the field. And every three innings, we'll release a pit bull or two, just to keep the players on their toes.

The transition from concrete-like turf to natural grass has gone way to smoothly. Our turf was once feared around the league. It caused injuries, ended careers prematurely, and made the ball bounce cartoonishly high. To compensate, the Kentucky Bluegrass bedding of Citizens Bank Park should be snake-infested, and each game, a landmine should be placed somewhere on the field.

So, what force is behind this de-Phillyfication? Is it the Canadians, feverishly plotting to take over the country one city at a time so they can force the return of hockey? Is Pittsburgh behind this hostile takeover? Are the Amish moving in, plowing the field and preparing to strike? Is the field really an extra-terrestrial crop-circle?

Philadelphia could not have spawned something so nice. We need answers, before there's no more Philly left!