Bud Bans 110%

PHREAKING NEWS - After attacking the steroid problem head on, major league baseball announced today that it will focus on its second most pressing problem - players who give 110 percent.

"We're trying to create a level playing field," said Bud Selig, commissioner of baseball. "When a player goes outside of the parameters of the percentage system, it's bad for baseball."

According to recent article quotes, 110 percenters are still plentiful. "There are players who discuss it openely, in the clubhouse and even in the dugout,"Selig said. "They all want to know how they can get past 100 percent - I've even heard of players amping it up to 112 or 114."

According to Selig, crossing the 100 percent barrier invariably leads to health problems. "Ken Griffey Jr. gave 110 percent for years, and he can't even play a full season without his fingers and toes falling off," Selig said.

Selig added that he knew he had to take action when he noticed Little League players giving 110 percent. "And the sad thing is, their coaches were encouraging this use of superfluous effort," he said.

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said that Phils fans have nothing to fear. "Bowa had these guys playing at 85-90 percent effort, and some of them got hurt," he said. "My first act of business as manager was to make sure no one played at more than 50 percent of their effort capacity, and so far everyone has cooperated except Burrell. He's an enigma."

A quick look at Jim Thome's early season production confirms Manuel's statement. "Jimmy is at 10 percent right now, but I think we can get him up to around 30 or 40 by midseason - we don't want to push him too hard," Manuel said. "He's old, and it's not like we have a phenom wasting away in AAA or anyth... uh, nevermind."